When we picture an ideal marriage, we often imagine a couple who are not just romantic partners but also best friends, people who laugh together, share inside jokes, and seem inseparable. But do spouses really have to be best friends for their marriage to thrive? The truth is, while friendship plays a vital role in a strong relationship, the healthiest marriages find a balance between romantic and platonic connection. They understand that love isn’t measured by constant togetherness, but by mutual respect, shared purpose, and the emotional safety that allows both partners to grow individually and together.
Emotional Connection as the Foundation
Dr. John Lund, in his book Avoiding Emotional Divorce, highlights that emotional connection is what sustains marriages long after the initial spark fades. He emphasizes that emotional divorce, defined by him as a state in which couples remain married but feel disconnected and lonely, is far more damaging than physical separation. The antidote, he explains, lies in cultivating emotional intimacy through daily choices that communicate care, empathy, and understanding. This kind of intimacy doesn’t require that couples be best friends in every sense, but it does require that they act like true allies, invested in one another’s well-being and willing to nurture the friendship side of love.
Balancing Romance and Friendship
Balancing romantic and platonic connection means recognizing that marriage is both a passionate relationship and a partnership of companionship. The romantic side involves attraction, affection, and the spark that keeps love exciting. The platonic side is built on trust, shared values, and genuine enjoyment of each other’s company. When couples lean too far toward one side, becoming either purely roommates or only lovers, the relationship can lose its depth and stability. Healthy marriages make room for both: moments of romance and moments of friendship. A couple might share a romantic dinner one night and can a whole bushel of apples together the next. Both types of connection matter because they meet different emotional needs.
Building Emotional Intimacy Daily
Emotional intimacy grows through everyday interactions. It’s built when couples listen without judgment, validate each other’s feelings, and show curiosity about each other’s inner world. Dr. Lund notes that emotional safety, the ability to be open without fear of criticism or rejection, is one of the strongest predictors of marital satisfaction. When partners feel emotionally safe, they are more likely to turn toward each other during conflict instead of away. Over time, this emotional security becomes the invisible thread that keeps a couple connected, even when life gets busy or stressful.
Shared Activities and Rituals
Another key way couples strengthen their friendship is through shared activities and rituals. These don’t have to be elaborate or expensive, small and simple traditions like morning walks, weekly date nights, or cooking dinner together can become powerful anchors. Shared rituals reinforce a couple’s sense of “us,” reminding them that they are building something together. They also provide stability during seasons of change, offering continuity when careers shift, children grow, or stress increases. What matters most isn’t the activity itself but the intention behind it: choosing to prioritize time and attention for one another.
Partners as Allies, Not Adversaries
Finally, thriving marriages are rooted in partnership. Being allies, not adversaries, means approaching challenges as a team rather than as opponents trying to win. It’s easy for couples to slip into blame or defensiveness when disagreements arise, but the healthiest pairs adopt an “us against the problem” mindset. They recognize that the goal isn’t to be right, but to stay connected. Friendship in marriage is tested not in easy moments, but in how partners respond when things get hard. Choosing empathy, patience, and forgiveness during conflict is what transforms ordinary companionship into a lasting bond.
In the end, being best friends in marriage isn’t about doing everything together or thinking alike, it’s about honoring and cultivating a deep sense of trust, respect, and care for one another. As Dr. Lund reminds us, love fades when emotional connection fades, but when couples nurture both romance and friendship, they create a relationship that is not only passionate but enduring. A strong marriage is built on two people who choose, day after day, to love each other as partners, companions, and allies.