Remarriage brings a unique blend of hope, excitement, and—let’s be honest—a fair amount of fear. With statistics suggesting that second marriages have a high failure rate, it’s natural to wonder how to build a lasting, fulfilling relationship the second time around.
In their groundbreaking book, Saving Your Second Marriage Before It Starts, Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott provide a blueprint for creating a love that goes the distance. Here are five crucial lessons from the book to help you beat the odds.
1. Are You Ready to Get Married Again?
The biggest mistake many people make is rushing into a new marriage to escape the pain of the old one. Being “ready” isn’t just about having a new ring; it’s about having a healthy, healed, and independent self-concept.
The Goal: Ensure you are marrying out of a desire for companionship, not to fill a void of loneliness or to prove something to an ex.
Actionable Advice: Take time to fully grieve the previous marriage. Date for at least two years to truly assess stability.
2. Blending a Family
Uniting two sets of children into one cohesive unit is often the hardest part of a second marriage. It takes time, patience, and a lot of grace.
The Goal: To create a new family culture while respecting the existing bonds between children and their biological parents.
Actionable Advice: Make the marriage the center of the family. The couple must unite to create a stable environment, rather than letting the children’s emotions control the household. It takes an average of three years for a combined family to feel comfortable.
3. The Myth Focus
Many second marriages struggle because couples bring unrealistic, “first-marriage” expectations into a new, complex reality.
The Goal: Dispel the “Myth of Instant Adjustment” and other misconceptions that create resentment.
Actionable Advice: Recognize that second marriages are not guaranteed to be easier. They require conscious effort, new rules, and the abandonment of the idea that your partner will “make you whole” or that all past bad habits will simply disappear.
4. Handling the Baggage
“Baggage” is just another word for unresolved issues, hurts, and past habits. You cannot build a new house on a shaky foundation.
The Goal: Handling the baggage of past relationships requires intentional self-reflection, emotional healing, and active communication. Key strategies include acknowledging emotional triggers, practicing self-compassion, and intentionally separating past experiences from current partners.
Actionable Advice: Acknowledge your role in the breakdown of your previous marriage, even if it was small. Forgiveness (of yourself and your ex) is essential to ensure your new partner doesn’t pay for your past mistakes.
5. Make the Marriage You Want
You have the experience now to avoid the pitfalls of your past. This is your chance to intentionally create a relationship that is better than you ever imagined.
The Goal: To stop reacting to circumstances and start creating the marriage you desire.
Actionable Advice: Cultivate the habit of happiness by choosing your attitude, practicing daily appreciation, and focusing on spiritual intimacy (sharing a sense of purpose) to solidify your bond.
Remarriage is a second chance at love—not just a do-over of your last marriage. By facing the myths, handling the baggage, and focusing on intentional growth, you can build a marriage that is stronger, wiser, and more loving than ever before.
Based on the research and insights from Saving Your Second Marriage Before It Starts by Les and Leslie Parrott.