It is often the case that engaged couples spend more time preparing for their wedding day than for their upcoming marriage. During my training to be a facilitator for Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts (SYMBIS), I was surprised to learn just how vital self-awareness is to building a healthy marriage.
Understanding our personal histories can make or break a marriage. What we grew up with often becomes what we bring into marriage. Personal history is shaped by several key factors, including our family of origin, childhood experiences, and the patterns of relationships we have learned. Family origin includes aspects such as birth order and our parents’ relationship status. Childhood experiences may involve trauma or unresolved emotional wounds, while learned relationship patterns are often formed by observing how our parents related to one another.
Taking inventory of our past, what we believe, our habits, and our personality provides valuable insight into what we may bring to marriage.
How Family of Origin Shapes Married Life
Our personal history shapes many different areas of married life, such as our expectations, communication styles, and responses to conflict. Exploring one’s past is not about assigning blame but bringing understanding. As couples prepare for marriage, this understanding helps to create meaningful and honest dialogue as couples work to understand each other more deeply.
Our family of origin is often our first model of marriage. This is why it’s vital to explore your parents’ relationships and reflect on what we learned from observing them while growing up. From our parents, we learn how to resolve conflict, how emotions are expressed, and how roles are defined within a marriage. Additionally, growing up with siblings, friends, and extended family shapes the coping mechanisms we employ, which often resurface in marriage.
Common Coping Mechanisms That Surface in Conflict
Oftentimes, when discussing expectations or future plans, couples may find themselves in a heated argument that can include avoidance, defensiveness, or withdrawal.
Avoidance is a coping mechanism in which a person consciously or unconsciously avoids dealing with a stressor, often in an attempt to protect themselves from emotional discomfort (American Psychological Association). Defensiveness happens when someone recognizes a threat, which sends their body into a fight-or-flight response to overcome this threat. Often, one seeks to protect one’s ego by making excuses, shutting down, or counterattacking rather than feeling emotions such as shame or inadequacy (American Psychological Association). Withdrawal (or stonewalling) is when someone removes themselves from a conversation to avoid conflict, overwhelming feelings, or situations (Lisitsa, 2025).
Turning Self-Awareness into Preparation
Knowing our personal history allows us to reflect, participate in honest conversation, and drive intentional marriage preparation. With this awareness, couples can break unhealthy cycles, build empathy for one another, and choose healthier responses. As couples work to prepare for marriage in this way, they strengthen their commitment to one another and the foundation of the marriage they hope to build.
If you’d like to explore your personal history and how it may show up in your marriage, contact us to learn more about taking the Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts (SYMBIS) assessment.
References
American Psychological Association. (n.d.) Avoidance. In the American Psychological Association. Retrieved from April 19, 2018, from https://dictionary.apa.org/avoidance
American Psychological Association. (n.d.) Defensiveness. In the American Psychological Association. Retrieved from April 19, 2018, from https://dictionary.apa.org/defensiveness
Lisitsa, E. (2025, May 25). The Four Horsemen: Stonewalling. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-stonewalling/