What Intimacy Really Means
When we hear the word intimacy we often overlook its full meaning. Intimacy isn’t just about physical closeness — it’s about the deep connection built through trust, communication, shared experiences, and mutual understanding. A strong and lasting marriage is cultivated through several types of intimacy, each playing a vital role in helping couples navigate life’s challenges together. Intimacy is so much more, and we often overlook the many parts of intimacy that can slowly erode the foundation of our relationship if not handled correctly.
Referencing the book The 6 Pillars of Intimacy by Tony and Alisa DiLorenzo, true connection in marriage is not built on one single kind of closeness, or sex as the common meaning for intimacy is mistaken for. Instead, it is a combination of emotional, physical, financial, spiritual, recreational, and sexual intimacy that when combined creates a resilient relationship. Like the beams that hold up your house, pillars help a marriage withstand the stress, change, and time.
The Six Pillars
1. Emotional Intimacy
This pillar is all about being vulnerable and open with your spouse, unapologetically sharing your fears, dreams, and struggles without judgment. This level of honesty builds trust and deepens a couple’s connection. A simple way to create and build emotional intimacy is by creating a daily check-in ritual by sharing your high and low of the day. It’s a small act but opens the door to deeper conversations.
2. Physical Intimacy
Our next pillar is physical intimacy, and no, this is not about sex. Any touch between you and your spouse that is nonsexual is considered physical intimacy. Hand holding, sitting close to each other, the husband placing his hand on his wife’s back — all of these reinforce comfort and presence. In the DiLorenzos’ book, one woman shares how physical touch doesn’t come naturally to her, not because she doesn’t love her husband but because her love language is just different from physical touch. She admits she must actively remind herself and create habits to touch her husband throughout the day. This intentional act can make a big difference in a relationship.
3. Financial Intimacy
Financial intimacy is one of the most common sources of conflict in a marriage, but when couples commit to transparency and unity around finances, it builds trust. To provide an example of how two pillars can work together, let me explain a situation with my husband. Recently my husband bought $150 of hair growth pills without consulting me. At first, I was upset about the money, yet after we talked, I realized he was feeling insecure and didn’t know how to express it to me. I conveyed how I felt trust had been broken and how I felt he put his insecurities above our budget. This moment showed us how emotional and financial intimacy are often intertwined. To strengthen our financial pillar, we decided on a personal budget each month, and if we wanted to overspend then we would discuss it and work it into our budget over time.
4. Spiritual Intimacy
Spiritual intimacy is often the most overlooked pillar. This unique pillar connects you to your spouse through the sharing of faith, values, and purpose. When couples pray together, attend church, or discuss spiritual insights, it establishes a deeper bond that surpasses the physical world we live in. Starting small by sharing what you’re learning or what goals you have can open the door for future conversations.
5. Recreational Intimacy
Marriage goes through seasons, and sometimes as parents or even just adults we get into habits and routines that allow the spark to slowly fade. Marriage should be fun, and shared activities, hobbies, or new experiences keep your connection light and joyful. These moments, when planned intentionally, however brief they are, keep the friendship in your marriage alive.
6. Sexual Intimacy
Finally, we arrive at the sixth pillar: sexual intimacy. This pillar is about more than physical pleasure — it’s also about exclusivity, connection, and passion. In the busy seasons of our lives, we may have to plan time for intimacy, and that’s okay! Prioritizing our relationship means prioritizing our connection and keeps this aspect of a marriage alive and strong.
When One Pillar Weakens
When one pillar is weak, the other pillars begin to feel the strain. Like a table with six legs, each pillar supports the weight of your relationship, and when one breaks, the others must stress to carry more than they were designed to, and the whole structure begins to wobble.
This Week’s Challenge
Take a moment to reflect on your marriage and where your relationship is at right now. Which of the six pillars needs attention and work? Ask your spouse to do the same, and have a conversation about where and how you can improve. It doesn’t need to be elaborate — baby steps are a great thing! These small and honest conversations create opportunities to build more intimacy with your spouse. Keep the conversation going; a strong marriage doesn’t happen all at once, it happens one intentional step at a time.
References
- Tony and Alisa DiLorenzo, The 6 Pillars of Intimacy