Many couples know they should listen better, yet fall into predictable patterns such as interrupting, jumping to problem-solving, assuming motives, or preparing rebuttals instead of absorbing what is being shared. These habits are human, but they can gradually create emotional distance. As John Lund explains in his book Avoiding Emotional Divorce, emotional separation begins when partners stop feeling emotionally safe with one another. Fortunately, small and consistent listening habits can repair and even deepen connection, often faster than couples expect.
The Turning-Toward Moment in Practice
One of the most powerful practices is what Gottman calls the “turning toward moment.” These are micro-moments of interaction that occur dozens of times a day, when one partner shares a thought, expresses a concern, reminisces about something, or simply tries to initiate conversation. Instead of dismissing, overlooking, or responding half-heartedly, turning toward means pausing and genuinely engaging. For example, your spouse mentions something stressful that happened at work. A turning-toward response might be, “That sounds exhausting. What happened next?” Instead of a quick “That sucks,” or an attempt to solve the problem immediately, turning toward invites emotional connection. These small moments accumulate, weaving a stronger emotional bond in the marriage. Gottman’s research shows that couples who consistently turn toward each other stay together not because they avoid conflict, but because they maintain connection through these everyday interactions.
Showing Understanding and Encouraging Expansion
Pair this with the Harvard Business Review’s insights on what great listeners actually do, and the picture becomes even clearer. The Review found that effective listening involves two key actions: showing understanding and encouraging expansion. Understanding might include short phrases such as “I can see why you felt that way,” or “Tell me more about that part.” Encouragement may include thoughtful questions: “What was hardest about that experience?” or “What do you need right now, comfort or solutions?” These kinds of questions reduce misinterpretation and show genuine interest in the other person’s thoughts and emotions. Importantly, the Review stresses that the goal of listening isn’t to stay silent; it’s to communicate back that the speaker is valued, respected, and truly heard. When partners feel this kind of engagement, they naturally open up more, and conversations become deeper and more meaningful.
Validating the Emotional Experience
John Lund’s work reinforces the importance of validating emotional experience. In Avoiding Emotional Divorce, Lund warns that couples often fall into cycles where one person shares a feeling, and the other unintentionally invalidates it, perhaps by minimizing it, comparing it to something worse, changing the subject, or focusing on “logic” instead of emotion. But humans aren’t persuaded by logic when they are hurting; they are comforted by empathy. Validation doesn’t mean agreeing with everything your partner says. It simply means acknowledging the reality of their emotional experience. Statements like “I can tell this really affected you,” or “I understand why you’d feel that way given what happened,” restore emotional safety. Over time, these small moments prevent the emotional withdrawal that Lund describes and keeps the relationship connected and resilient.
Slowing Down Before Responding
Another essential skill is slowing down the impulse to react quickly. James 1:19 teaches us to be “swift to hear, slow to speak,” and this spiritual principle has practical power. When people feel emotional, they often misunderstand or exaggerate what they hear. Pausing before responding helps us regulate our own emotions, listen with clarity, and avoid defensiveness. That short gap between hearing and responding can be the difference between escalation and connection. During that pause, ask yourself: “What is my partner really needing in this moment?” Often, the need isn’t correction, it’s compassion. Although it is not a solution, it’s intentional support. When we listen for the underlying need rather than the surface words, we strengthen understanding and reduce unnecessary conflict.
Building Daily Listening Rituals
Creating daily listening rituals can also transform relationships. This might include a nightly “check-in” conversation, a weekly emotional download, or even a five-minute moment of uninterrupted listening each day. These routines help partners reconnect amid busy schedules, increasing the likelihood of turning toward each other even on stressful days. Gottman’s research consistently shows that couples who maintain small daily connection habits stay emotionally close even during life transitions, parenting stress, illness, or economic pressure.
Removing Distractions
Practicing active listening also means creating a space free from distraction. Put down the phone. Turn off the TV. Make eye contact. Lean in slightly. These small behaviors signal presence. As the Harvard Business Review notes, nonverbal cues can communicate attention more powerfully than words. When your partner feels your full presence, your face, your attention, your posture, they feel respected and prioritized. In a world where divided attention is the norm, undivided attention feels like love.
Consistency Over Perfection
Finally, it’s important to remember that active listening is not about perfection. No one listens well 100% of the time. However, consistent effort changes the emotional climate of a relationship. When couples make listening a core practice, trust has room to grow. Misunderstandings decrease. Compassion increases. Emotional connection deepens. By integrating Gottman’s turning-toward principle, Harvard Business Review’s practical listening skills, Lund’s emphasis on emotional safety, and the timeless wisdom of James 1:19, couples can build relationships rooted in trust, empathy, and genuine connection. Over time, these listening habits don’t just strengthen communication, they strengthen the very foundation of love.