Have you ever heard someone say the right words, but they didn’t feel genuine?
So often, couples focus on what to say and forget how they say it — and, even more importantly, who they are speaking to. It can be helpful to think of warmth, genuineness, and empathy as the bedrock for successful, caring communication.
Warmth
Warmth can be understood as the degree to which we feel safe and approachable during a conversation. What carries the most weight when it comes to warmth is not what we are saying, but the tone and body language.
Warmth in a conversation invites openness between two people. It opens the way for emotional safety and for vulnerability to happen. Both vulnerability and safety are vital for a healthy relationship. Without warmth, any interaction can feel cold or forced, and you might leave your partner feeling misunderstood, hurt, or unseen.
So how do we change that narrative? We first must learn what warmth looks like to ourselves. We often mistake warmth as an overall acceptance of a partner’s actions or habits, but this is false. Warmth invites your spouse to be who they are, free from judgment and pressure to conform to a mold. Partners who find that they cannot accept a partner’s actions because they morally disagree might need to reevaluate the relationship.
You can say the right words, but without warmth, they can land hurtful or critical.
Genuineness
Genuineness is where our behavior matches what we are feeling. It means being transparent about what one is feeling. It’s important to ask yourself, “How do I feel at this moment?” rather than trying to figure out what others expect you to feel.
A helpful daily practice is to pause occasionally and ask yourself, “What am I feeling right now?” This exercise can help you gain a greater awareness of your emotions. Not only does this encourage self-awareness, but it also equips you to help friends and family put their emotions into words. When we pretend to be genuine, it can damage the trust that has been built up in a relationship. True genuineness builds closeness and deepens connections as you allow your partners and family members to be genuine without judgment.
Empathy
Empathy is seeing the world or a situation from another person’s perspective — having an understanding of why someone feels the way that they do.
A helpful principle we can use to practice empathy is Stephen Covey’s rule: “Seek first to understand, then to be understood” (Covey, 2013). As we seek to understand another person, we intentionally put ourselves in their shoes and try to come to understand what emotions they are feeling.
It is human nature to want to fix problems that come our way, so when a partner comes to us while experiencing a problem, it’s common for us to suggest solutions. However, this can often leave one feeling unseen and hurt. As we use our head to analyze the situation and our heart to consider what emotions they might be feeling, we come closer to empathy (Parrott & Parrott, 2017).
By adopting and practicing warmth, genuineness, and empathy, we can create room for healthy communication habits to develop. These building blocks provide the foundation essential for skills such as reflective talking, active listening, and deeper emotional connection.
References
Covey, S. R. (2013). The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. Simon & Schuster.
Parrott, L., & Parrott, L. L. (2017). Saving your marriage before it starts: Seven questions to ask before—and after—you marry. Zondervan.