Growth Mindset in Marriage
When my friends and I had been married for a couple of years, I started noticing a topic pop up during a girls’ night out or over lunch. It usually started with a conversation that included a story about a disagreement with their spouse, then eventually became something along the lines of “how was your first year of marriage—was it easy or difficult?” During this phase of life some of my friends had their first child, some were moving to different locations for school or work, and some were purchasing their first home. I believe this topic appeared because, as a couple, my friends and their respective husbands were starting to experience a different level of stress that caused conflict in their relationship. This possibly made them think that they had made the wrong choice in a partner to begin with—maybe they weren’t meant to be from the beginning. In fact, they would say, now that they were looking back, wasn’t that first year of marriage kind of rocky? They discovered ways that they weren’t compatible, so maybe they felt they didn’t take enough time to choose the right person. They seemed to be focused on compatibility, but a growth mindset in a marriage builds the capacity to create a healthy and loving relationship with someone who is different than you.
One Tip to Having a Growth Mindset in Marriage
Communication is key in cultivating a growth mindset in marriage. Dr. Les Parrott and Leslie Parrott write in Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts that communication needs a foundation of warmth, genuineness, and empathy. One way to use these in your marriage is to focus on “I” statements instead of “You” statements. Consider the difference between these statements: “You always try to make me sound dumb in front of our friends because you correct every little thing I say.” Compare this to, “I feel uncomfortable when you are correcting me in front of our friends, and it makes it difficult to enjoy our time out. It would help if we could talk about those things in private.” This reframing also makes a difference in how you view your marriage. It allows the spouse making the statement to take responsibility for how they feel, while also verbalizing this information to their partner so that learning and growth can occur.
Difference Is Normal
Gottman (1999) divided marital conflict into two types. The first is perpetual problems that stem from differences in personality, values, and lifestyle. Conflict from these perpetual problems does not go away, but it can be managed—these problems are the source of approximately 69% of marital conflict. The other 31% of problems are solvable and situational. This emphasizes the importance of communication in marriage. If couples want to continue focusing on a growth mindset and expand their capacity to understand differences, they need to be committed to managing those perpetual problems. Gottman explains that this doesn’t mean we should keep having the same conversation over and over again, but work toward understanding. Not only should we communicate our feelings and wants, but also our appreciation, fondness, and respect (Gottman, 1999).
If one thing is certain, it is that stressful events are going to pop up during the course of your marriage. A growth mindset is the key to working through difficulties, and implementing good communication skills will help you grow your capacity to create a loving relationship despite differences between you and your spouse.
Sources
Gottman, J. M. (1999). The seven principles for making a marriage work. Crown.
Parrott, L., & Parrott, L. (2015). Saving your marriage before it starts: Seven questions to ask before—and after—you marry. Zondervan.