When someone has been hurt or wronged, an apology goes a long way toward reconciliation — but how do we know when an apology is sincere?
One way to answer that is: it depends. Just as different people tend to interpret love and affection in different ways (as we explored in our blog post about the 5 Love Languages), people also tend to look for different signals of sincerity in the way that others apologize. The author of The 5 Love Languages also wrote The 5 Apology Languages, and points out five aspects of apologies that can communicate sincerity — or which can make an apology feel insincere if those parts are left unspoken. These are: Expressing Regret, Accepting Responsibility, Planned Change, Making Restitution, and Requesting Forgiveness.
All five aspects of apologizing hold importance, but for some people a particular aspect is especially important for them to view an apology as sincere, and for some people a particular aspect may feel very difficult to include in their own apology. As a couple, if you understand each other’s views on apologies — which aspects are most important to each of you, and which aspects you each struggle with — it can really help you to express and understand each other better.
Expressing Regret
Expressing regret refers to the aspect of an apology where the person recognizes the negative impact, the hurt, the pain that was caused, and communicates that they feel sorry, regretful, remorseful, guilty, or personally hurt to see the painful impact of what happened. Expressions of regret send the message: I empathize with your pain, and I wish that you had not been hurt.
Why is this so important for some people? For some people, an apology that is devoid of emotion may feel cold, distant, unfeeling, and thus insincere. If a person gives an apology without expressing the emotion of regret, it can often seem like they do not genuinely care about the hurt that was caused.
Why is this so hard for some people? It is understandable why expressing the emotion of regret may be difficult for some people. If someone’s personality is very focused on thinking and logic, they may not be the type to easily display outward expressions of emotion. Some people may even view outward displays of emotion as uncomfortable or insincere, holding the opinion that actions and results mean a lot more than paying lip service.
Accepting Responsibility
Accepting responsibility means recognizing that you made a mistake, or did something wrong. It does not necessarily mean admitting that the wrongdoing was on purpose, but rather accepting that your choices or actions contributed to the harmful impact on another person.
Why is this so important for some people? If an apology is followed with “but it wasn’t my fault because,” the whole apology can end up feeling insincere. For some people, excuses and justifications, where the person refuses to accept responsibility or admit to wrongdoing, nullify the entire apology, because they show that the person doesn’t actually think their own actions need to be apologized for. Acknowledging wrongdoing shows humility and a willingness to put aside one’s ego for the sake of reconciliation.
Why is this so hard for some people? When a harmful action was unintentional, it can be a natural reaction to get defensive and want to explain the reasons for your actions. There may very well be a very reasonable explanation, and it can feel unfair if it seems like admitting wrongdoing is interpreted as admitting to being the “bad guy.” This is where it makes such a big difference to have a “win-win” teamwork attitude as a couple, rather than a win-lose competition attitude. If admitting you are wrong is less about admitting defeat, and more about acknowledging that a mistake was made and there is room for improvement, then it becomes less scary to accept responsibility.
Planned Change
Speaking of room for improvement: planned change is the aspect of an apology where a person expresses a desire and a plan to avoid making similar mistakes or causing similar hurtful impacts in the future.
Why is this so important for some people? For some people, the emotion and the acknowledgment of wrongdoing are less important than the practical question of: will this keep happening again and again? If someone has had a lot of bad experiences where someone says all the right things and apologizes profusely after hurting them, but then keeps doing the same thing again and again, this aspect of making a plan to change may be the most important part of an apology to them, to show that the person is truly sincere.
Why is this so hard for some people? An exploration of growth mindset versus fixed mindset can help us understand why this aspect of apologizing can be so hard for some people. Making a plan to change can be very difficult — it is more than an apology, more than dealing with the issue and then moving on — it is an ongoing effort and commitment. If someone has tried and failed to change in the past, it can be intimidating to make a promise they are not sure they have the ability to keep. However, even just putting in genuine effort can make a huge difference to an apology feeling sincere, even if it takes time to improve. This plan for future improvement can be essential for sustaining a sense of trust and security moving forward in the relationship.
Making Restitution
Rather than only looking forward, however, sometimes it is important to look at the past and recognize that the hurt has not yet been recovered from. Sometimes there is lingering damage that still needs to be repaired before moving on. This aspect of the apology — making restitution, or making amends — means healing what has been hurt. This could mean something practical, like mending what has been broken or returning what was taken, or it can be emotional, such as rebuilding feelings of trust and affection.
Why is this so important to some people? As the saying goes, actions speak louder than words. Some people have experienced a lot of empty promises when it comes to apologies, so practical actions that help make amends can make a big difference in showing that an apology is sincere. This can build a sense of reassurance, settle insecurities, and resolve lingering impacts of the wrongdoing.
Why is this so hard for some people? If a wrongdoing was actually a mistake, it can feel unfair to accept the responsibility of fixing it. This aspect of apologizing can also make apologies feel like a transactional tit-for-tat score-keeping system, which feels confrontational to some people, dividing them rather than bringing them back together. In these cases, it can be important to remember that making amends needn’t be about keeping track of who “won” or “lost” the interaction, but rather about rebuilding trust and affection in the relationship, to maintain that win-win teamwork attitude.
Requesting Forgiveness
The last aspect of apologies is requesting forgiveness. This means recognizing and acknowledging that forgiveness is not something that is owed or obligated — it is something that can only be given freely.
Why is this so important to some people? Many people may have grown up in situations where it was expected and required of them to forgive and forget, even if they felt that an apology was not sincere. This feeling of pressure to “move on” when hurt feelings remain unresolved can be a recipe for built-up resentment. This is why it is very important, for some people, that forgiveness be acknowledged as a free choice to give, rather than an assumed and obligated requirement.
Why is this so hard for some people? Some people may assume that a request for forgiveness is simply implied after an apology, without needing to be spoken aloud. And some people may feel very vulnerable asking for forgiveness, because it means opening themselves up to the possibility of rejection — facing the possibility that the person might say “No, I don’t forgive you,” even after they did their best to apologize and feel that forgiveness is warranted. Still, although vulnerability can be frightening, it is that very vulnerability that can allow authentic emotional intimacy to grow.
Reference
- The 5 Apology Languages, by Dr. Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas