This week we’re taking the opportunity to explore the powerful work of Dr. John Lund, a renowned educator, author, and speaker who has dedicated much of his career to helping couples and families improve their communication. Known affectionately as the “Communications Doctor,” Dr. Lund has taught at BYU’s Education Week for over 30 years and has written extensively on topics like conflict resolution, emotional intimacy, and giving and receiving criticism. What truly sets him apart is his sense of humor. His light-hearted yet insightful approach makes his material incredibly relatable and easy to apply in real life, especially in conversations that often feel too heavy or sensitive to tackle head-on.
Shared Understanding, Not Just Talking
One of the key takeaways from Dr. Lund’s work is that real communication is more than just talking and listening. It’s about creating shared understanding. That may sound simple, but it’s surprisingly complex, especially when you consider how much our backgrounds shape the way we express ourselves and interpret others.
Dr. Lund tells a story that perfectly illustrates this. A husband is driving home with his wife, and she casually says, “Boy, it’s hot in here. There’s a gas station up on the left.” To her, this is a polite hint that she’s thirsty and would love to stop for a drink. To him, it’s a signal that she’s uncomfortable and wants to get home faster. So, he speeds up. Both people are acting in good faith, but they completely miss each other’s intent. This is the kind of everyday miscommunication that slowly builds into resentment if left unaddressed.
From Hinting to Asking
We all come from different “systems,” as Dr. Lund puts it. Our nuclear families shape how we give and receive love, how we handle conflict, and even how we make requests. Often, we form internal beliefs like, “If this person really loved me, they’d just know what I need,” or “If I have to ask, it doesn’t mean as much.” These assumptions lead us to hint at what we want instead of expressing it directly, which can create tension, confusion, or hurt feelings.
Dr. Lund calls this “dysfunctional communication,” and he encourages us to shift from hinting to asking. He offers a simple phrase to begin with: “It would mean a lot to me if you…” This language not only communicates your needs but does so in a respectful and loving way that invites connection rather than defensiveness.
Boss, Supervised Employee, or Co-Worker?
Another idea that stood out is Lund’s framework for communication styles. He describes three types: the “Boss,” who issues demands with little regard for the other person’s autonomy; the “Supervised Employee,” who micromanages and controls; and the “Co-worker,” which represents an equal partnership based on mutual respect and collaborative communication. It’s easy to slip into the boss or employee role, especially when time is short and emotions are high, but healthy relationships thrive in that co-worker dynamic, where each person feels seen, heard, and empowered.
Dr. Lund also reminds us that mature love is not about changing the other person to match our expectations. Instead, it’s about learning to appreciate our differences and stop resenting them. Communication is the key to that shift. When we speak clearly, we not only increase our chances of being understood, but we also reduce the risk of being misunderstood. And sometimes, that small shift is the beginning of big changes in how we relate to the people we love most.
As you reflect on your own relationships this week, become more aware of the ways you’re communicating. Are you hinting and hoping your partner picks up on it? Or are you asking clearly and kindly for what you need? Try replacing passive comments with direct statements like, “It would mean a lot to me if you…” You may be surprised how much clarity and closeness that one change can bring.
This is Part 1 of a two-part series on Dr. John Lund’s work. Part 2 explores love languages, the differences between men’s and women’s communication styles, and tools for managing conflict and practicing forgiveness.
References
- Dr. John Lund, BYU Education Week lectures on marriage and family communication