Every relationship will have moments of conflict, and it’s important to remember that healthy relationships will have arguments. But how couples handle conflict is what matters most. An important question for couples to ask is, “Are we fighting right?”
A common myth is that couples who never fight have the healthiest relationship. In reality, this belief is false. Every person brings different perceptions, needs, expectations, and assumptions into a relationship, and those differences will surface. Les and Leslie Parrott explain it well: “Conflict is natural in intimate relationships. Once this is understood, conflict is no longer represented as a crisis but as an opportunity for growth” (Parrott & Parrott, 2017).
When handled well, conflict can deepen understanding, strengthen connection, and build mutual respect. Here are some helpful tips to help you and your spouse argue right, so that your conflicts turn into moments of growth and respect.
Don’t Run From the Problem
Habits of burying our frustrations, waiting until emotions explode, or giving our partner the silent treatment may feel easier in the moment, but these habits only allow resentment to grow. Healthy couples address conflicts as they arise. Addressing conflicts as they come helps prevent us from feeling resentment towards one another.
Pick Your Conflicts Wisely
“About 90% of the issues couples bicker about can probably be overlooked” (Parrott & Parrott, 2017). Oftentimes, arguments about how groceries are bagged or dishes are stacked aren’t worth the argument, and learning to let it roll off your back is an act of love.
Ask, “What Is This Fight About?”
Pausing to ask this question can help you identify the deeper issue beneath the surface. Often, conflicts aren’t about the immediate behavior but about feeling unheard, disrespected, or disconnected. Uncovering the root issues helps couples address what truly matters.
Communicate Your Feelings
Stating your feelings clearly allows your partner to better understand your experience. Using “I” statements rather than accusations helps reduce defensiveness and keeps the conversation focused on connection rather than blame (Schrader, 2012).
Forget the Insults and Names
Using insults or names to “get back” at your spouse is emotionally harmful and erodes the trust felt in your relationship. Words spoken in the heat of a conflict often linger, and an apology cannot erase what was said. Respectful language is essential for maintaining emotional safety in your relationship.
It’s important to remember that when conflicts arise, it’s not you versus your spouse; it’s both of you versus the issue. Healthy couples do fight, but they fight in ways that protect the relationship. Research by John Gottman suggests that for every negative interaction in marriage, you need five positive interactions to remain in a happy and stable relationship (Gottman, 2026). Practices like reflective talking, active listening, and empathy can help keep conflict productive and grounded in care.
Conflict does not have to be something we fear. When handled with intention, respect, and love, it can be a foundation for growth within a marriage.
References
Gottman, J. (2026, January 16). The magic relationship ratio, according to science. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-magic-relationship-ratio-according-science/
Parrott, L., & Parrott, L. L. (2017). Saving your marriage before it starts: Seven questions to ask before—and after—you marry. Zondervan.
Schrader, J. (2012, November 30). Are “I” statements better than “you” statements? Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/cui-bono/201211/are-i-statements-better-than-you-statements